Hollow Man
Alright folks—time for VHS of the Week. Regular readers know that I like to start off these reviews with a personal story that usually goes on for a long while and probably guarantees that most people who don’t know me, and probably a few who do know me, will stop reading the review after a paragraph and a half. Well, those of y’all who could do without the whole “once upon a time in Worcester…” business are in luck because I have absolutely nothing to say about this week’s flick (with the exception of the next 3000 words I’m about to write, of course). It’s called Hollow Man and it was directed by notoriously pervy Dutch provocateur Paul Verhoeven. It was released in August of 2000 and was duly savaged by critics. In fact, the only positive pull quote they could find for the front of the VHS box says the film “has special effects that are really spectacular–the best since The Matrix!,” which isn’t all that awesome given that The Matrix was only 15 months old at the time of this quote. I didn’t step out for Hollow Man back in the day…but since the VHS section at my local thrift shop is down to 4 copies of Hope Floats, I decided to finally give Hollow Man a spin. Also—it stars two of my absolute favorite 80’s movie icons: Adventures in Babysitting’s Elisabeth Shue and Bacon Brothers’ frontman and legendary dong hanger Kevin Bacon. Man, Kevin Bacon is like the Tom Petty of movies—everyone likes him…and even those who dislike him don’t REALLY have a problem with him. There’s a reason why the game isn’t called Six Degrees of Nick Nolte, you dig? Actually…now that I think of it…my ex-girlfriend hated Kevin Bacon. She thought he was terrifying for some unspecified reason. She’d always say “Hey Tebo—what’s scarier than Kevin Bacon??”And I would say…you know…snakes. She’d say “what’s scarier than Kevin Bacon with snakes in his mouth?” and I’d say “zero things.” Maybe you had to be there. In her defense—I DID walk past Kevin Bacon in the Upper East Side once in the early 00’s and he had a horrible scowl on his face for no good reason that I could see. So I guess there’s that.
What happens is this: after the credits roll, we are treated to the sight of a lab rat being gruesomely disemboweled by an invisible gorilla. If you aren’t into abject disgustingness…here’s your first of many cues to change the channel. We crane in on the apartment of Dr Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon, looking like he just flunked out of a late 90’s emo band). Sebastian sits in front of the computer chowing Twinkies while trying to write code that will reverse invisibility (they have already figured out how to make people invisible but can’t figure out how to make them re-visible..I guess). I’m immediately thinking the Twinkie will have some significance later on in the movie…and I am wrong. Dude just likes to enjoy a Hostess pastry while he works. He also enjoys watching his neighbor get undressed because he’s a fucking disgusting sexual predator…but more on that in a minute! The computer keeps showing him the “fail” screen so he yells “DAMMIT!!” and goes clackita clackita clackita on his keyboard and the computer is finally like “cool.” He just solved invisibility. It was that easy. He sets up a video chat with his partner/former lover Linda (Shue) and the reception is incredible! Can’t the engineers at Zoom watch Hollow Man and try to improve their product?? Ever since this Covid business started I’ve had to do Zoom therapy. I’m always crying my guts out for 10 minutes at a time only to realize that my therapist’s screen is frozen and they’ve actually left the room to make a matcha latte. Right, so Sebastian tells Linda to get to that lab ASAP so he can show her how he just changed the universe with a couple of keystrokes. Linda is all “cool cya bye!” and quickly clicks off. See ‘cuz Linda is in bed with fellow scientist Matt (Goonies star and drunken bar brawl enthusiast Josh Brolin) and doesn’t want Sebastian to know because he’s a fucking crazy psychopath.
Sebastian throws on his leather trench coat, hops into his Porsche and cranks Nickelback, and speeds off to the lab, which is located in an underground bunker in a part of Washington DC that is totally Culver City, CA. This lab is where 90% of the movie will take place…which is a silly goddamn waste for a movie about invisible people. Remember that terrible Memoirs of an Invisible Man movie with Chevy Chase that was inexplicably directed by John Carpenter? Neither do I…but I feel like THAT invisible man got to tool around San Francisco and go skiing and shit. In a recent interview Carpenter said he hated the Chev so much he wished he could set him on fire. You know who else wants to light Chevy Chase on fire? Everyone who has ever interacted with him. Anyway! Over at the underground lab we are introduced to the rest of the cast. In addition to Sebastian, Linda, and Matt there’s Dr Sarah, the militant veterinarian; Janice, the black lady; Frank, the nerdy scientist who loves science; and Carter, the nerdy scientist who loves porn. They have an invisible rat-eating gorilla named Isabel up in there that they want to make visible again. They can only see her if they put on these cool infrared shades. Sebastian says his gorilla reanimating juice is good to go but Dr Sarah objects. Sebastian overrules her objection and tells everyone that he is god (“I am god”—Alec Baldwin, “Malice”). A syringe full of red Kool-Aid is produced and injected into the invisible gorilla’s invisible arm. And sure enough it starts to reappear one gnarly vein at a time. You can see muscle and teeth and blood and the fuckin’ thing is howling and having heart attacks and shit. It’s pretty wild! The best special effects since The Matrix? I’m not really sure about that. I’d have to see a list of every move that came out between March of 1999 and August of 2000. Let me think…American Beauty? Not much going on there FX wise. Nutty Professor 2? Those scenes with Eddie Murphy playing all of the Klumps simultaneously are pretty tight. They have to whack Isabel with the defibrillator paddles a few times but she eventually reappears and is right as rain. Sebastian tells his staff that he’s going to perform an autopsy on Isabel (presumably after killing her?) and make gorilla burger out of the scraps. Dr Sarah the militant veterinarian is not amused.
Sebastian takes his crew out to a swanky restaurant to celebrate their earth-altering breakthrough but remains subdued throughout the dinner. Tells his peeps that he isn’t doing the work for the sake of science but because he craves grandeur and spectacle and can't be bothered with details, not unlike Spud in Trainspotting. He takes Linda out to the back patio and tries to lay a celebratory kiss on her but she ain’t having it. Reminds him that she’s seeing someone else. Shit, I wonder if Sebastian is going to become invisible and discover Linda is secretly dating John Brolin?? The next day the entire cast hoofs it over to the Pentagon to update the military brass on their super duper top secret invisibility project. A general asks Sebastian if he’s had any breakthroughs and he’s all “nah…nothing new under the sun, cap!” The general is like “well speed it up there, Footloose—this invisibility thing would be mad cool for the military to have!” Sebastian’s lab peeps are troubled by this because they just brought that one gorilla back from nothin’. Dude is straight up lying! Later that night Linda is in bed trying to give JB a BJ but he looks all stressed and calls a time out. He asks her if she misses Sebastian and his prehensile horse cock and she’s like “dude…no…that guy suuuucks!” He asks if she’s worried Sebastian might do something crazy reckless like try the invisibility trick on himself…which is a legit concern because the very next day Sebastian shows up at the lab, gets butt naked, and is all “gimme the juice!” He’s got a decent shitter too, Kevin Bacon does. Not afraid to display the merch, that guy. Everyone else in the movie vehemently objects to Sebastian’s naked invisibility but there’s not much anyone can do. Guy is god, right? So they strap him to a gurney and shoot him up with the blue Kool-Aid (blue for invisible…red got re-visible…got it??). Matt and Linda ask him if he’s feeling anything yet and Sebastian is all “mmm not really…my arm is a little tingly but RAREGHHRLGHHHARHHH!!!!” Dude starts to thrash around violently and you catch a quick glimpse of his entire arsehole! His body starts to disappear, which looks like it hurts. We know this because he screams “this fucking hurts!!!” Eventually he’s just a pile of bones followed quickly by nothing at all. After a dramatic pause, Matt says “well….it’s a brave new world now.” Indeed, sir. They try to wake Sebastian from his invisa-nap but he’s like “I can’t sleep….my friggin’ eyelids are TRANSPARENT!!” Things you just never think about when wishing invisibility upon yourself! When they ask him how he’s feeling he says “I feel the same…but like I’m not really here.” You just described how I feel when I wake up every single day, bro. The crew tasks Dr Sarah with observing Sebastian overnight and calls it a scene.
Aaaaaaaand here’s where things go from zero to shithouse in about 30 seconds. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking “sounds like a pretty decent flick so far.” That’s what I was thinking, anyway. What’s up with the 26% on Rotten Tomatoes, right?? And then I was also thinking…this is a pretty tame movie coming from the guy who filmed Sharon Stone’s vagina without her permission on Basic Instinct. WELL! Right now would be the perfect opportunity to gather up your jackets and move it to the exits, folks, ‘cuz ain’t nothing good gonna happen from here on out. Dr Sarah falls asleep and, suddenly, her bare breast is removed from her shirt and fondled by an invisible being (note: they also have an invisible dog at the lab…but he’s not a fucking pervert so far as I can tell). Dr Sarah wakes up startled but doesn’t see anyone there, natch. The next morning Sebastian is all “you ok, baby? You wanna report me to HR?? I AM HR!!” Then he follows Janice into the bathroom and watches her pee and look….LOOK! There’s an infinite number of avenues to explore when it comes to invisible people. Personally, I’d show up at a badminton match and snatch the shuttlecocks out of the air just to mess with folks. But that’s just me. That’s just what I’m into. This Sebastian cat just wants to smash. He was already a douchebag but does his only goal as an invisible person have to be to get himself laid?? Come on, people! The lab folk are supposed to be studying Sebby’s behavior but all he does is walk around with a hard on harassing/assaulting people. At one point he rubs his invisible pecker across Linda’s lips and asks her if she would like to fuck an invisible guy. She says she would not, no. Don’t worry…it gets much, much worse.
After two weeks and a zillion wasted opportunities, the crew decide it’s time to shoot Harvey Weinstein there full of red Kool-Aid and see if he’s any less disgusting in Kevin Bacon form. Of course the sequence that worked so well on the gorilla does not work on humans so Sebastian is stuck invisible indefinitely. Matt worries aloud that all this invisible time might be causing agitation and personality changes. Dude, you think?? They build Sebastian a pink plaster body suit and throw a hoodie and Ray Bans on him and, you know, he doesn’t look too bad! Kinda looks like Van Morrison if he lost 300 lbs and sustained 3rd degree burns over 90% of his body. They reckon he’ll be fine so long as he doesn’t leave the lab…which he proceeds to do instantly. He returns to his apartment and tries to work on a new invisible sequence and is once again distracted by his half-naked neighbor across the way. He just sits back and marvels at the fact that he can now watch her undress undetected. Just kidding! He breaks into her apartment and fucking rapes her!!! JESUS CHRIST!!! Who is this movie even for??? Who are we supposed to be rooting for here?? The gorilla? Sebastian returns to the lab all “Ho hum…I was just downtown checking out the Vietnam Memorial. Hella names on that thing!” They’re like…you cannot go out in public looking like Dr Moreau fronting The Strokes. Everyone is furious with him with the exception of Carter, the porn loving scientist. He’s all “dude, why don’t you go chill in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room??” If only this movie was that lighthearted.
Calls for Sebastian to remain quarantined fall on deaf ears. He shows up at Linda’s apartment, where she and Matt are seconds away from balling. He’s so angry he smashes out her windows. Matt is all “humina humina maybe it was just a cat!!” Linda knows what’s up though. She knows they’ve got an invisible rapist on the loose in DuPont Circle and need to confess to the higher ups….so that’s what they do. They visit General Notinthismovieverymuch and spill the beans. He fires them and promises to unleash the full night of the US military on Sebastian. Cool…so you mean we might see some action that doesn’t take place in that goddamn lab set?? Oh wait…as soon as Matt and Linda leave Sebastian “shows up” and strangles the General to death in his swimming pool. Military invasion: canceled. Sebastian also returns to the lab and murders the invisible puppy because he's THAT sick.
The scientists return to the lab to pack up their desks but Sebastian’s is already there. He’s cut the phone lines and disabled the AOL connection and hopes to systematically murder every last one of his co-workers, starting with the lone black lady, of course. And for what, really? Because Elisabeth Shue is fucking Josh Brolin?? Now it’s like Alien but not in space and Kevin Bacon is the alien. They should totally make an Alien with an invisible alien! Or did they already do that? Or am i thinking of Predator 2?? Anyway—Sebastian strangles Janice. Dr Sarah slaps Linda in the face because why not? Matt says they’re gonna take Sebastian down but I have my doubts/don’t care either way. Sebastian slices half of the porn guy’s face off and Sarah rushes to the lab to get some blood for a transfusion. She senses Sebastian is in the room with her and starts spraying perfectly good fresh blood in the air because liquids will make an invisible person appear when spattered with things like fresh blood. It’s of little use, though. Sebastian shoots her with a tranquilizer dart and then snaps her neck. 86 Dr Sarah. Matt winds up locked in a hallway with Sebastian who yells “who are you to feast on my leftovers??” And ”I’m a deranged asshole!!” Bro, I get that you’re jealous but we are so beyond relationship talk at this point. Sebastian impales the goodnerd, who dies immediately, and also impales Matt, who does not die. Porn nerd bleeds out. Fuck that guy anyway. Now it’s just Seb, Linda, and a grievously wounded Matt left for the big showdown. Sebastian locks them both in a freezer and turns it up to high. Or is it down to high? Whichever is the coldest. Elisabeth Shue gets a look on her face like “I wish I was anywhere else but acting in this terrible movie.” While Linda’s trying to not freeze to death, Sebastian puts a bunch of chemicals in a centrifuge and puts 5 minutes on the timer…which causes me to perk up as it means there’s only 5 minutes left of this insufferable movie! Linda pries the door open, lights a barrel fire, drags it next to Matt’s bleeding body, and tells him he’ll be fine. I mean…will he?? Linda rigs up some sort of flamethrower and lights Sebastian up like an invisible Xmas tree. “I always knew you were a bitch!” he screams. That somehow doesn’t do the trick because apparently invisible people feel injuries differently than the visible. A good 3 minutes of direct flame on skin doesn’t do the trick so Matt wakes up, shakes off his pierced innards, and electrocutes Sebastian for another long while. So Sebastian’s finally dead…ish…but then Linda and Matt notice the timer…and there’s only 30 seconds left! So now we know—there was always going to be more than five minutes of movie left. FML, man—I shoulda bought Hope Floats instead.
Linda and Matt escape up an elevator shaft and somehow outrun an exploding laboratory. The disabled elevator car plummets past them, shearing off most of Linda’s shoulders but it don’t bother her none. Before they can reach the roof, an undead Sebastian materializes. He grabs Linda and plants one last non consensual open mouth kiss on her. Did I mention he’s a bloody, vein-laden half invisible skeleton at this point? Not very sexy, folks. Matt kicks him off of Linda and sends him falling into the fire below where he, I guess, dies? Linda and Matt stumble into a waiti ambulance and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, Paul Verhoeven never made another film in the US…but he’s only 84 so I guess Showgirls 2 is still possible. And speaking of sequels…I’m just now learning that they actually made a Hollow Man 2 with Christian Slater and Peter Faccinelli! I would totally review that one but I think they had stopped making VHS by the time it was released. Sux doods. The end.