Mystic Pizza
On Friday, October 21st 1988 a series of seismic events occurred that would alter the course of my life. First and foremost—I turned 10, which meant that I would then, and forevermore, record my age with two digits. I mean…I suppose I could live to 100 but it’s highly unlikely…and who the hell wants that anyway?? For my birthday, I was gifted a cassette copy of the Cocktail Soundtrack, which I proceeded to listen to so aggressively that the lettering on the Kokomo side of the tape wore off (I still have a copy of said tape in my denim cassette carrier…come check if you don’t believe me!). Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers, a film that would infect me with fear of murder-related insomnia for the next 20 to 35 years, opened in theaters. What does all of this have to do with the Julia Roberts flick Mystic Pizza, you ask? Well it turns out that Mystic Pizza ALSO opened on 10/21/88, a fact I was unaware of until I decided to re-watch the movie for this article. What does it all mean!? I’m thinking absolutely nothing! I didn’t step out to see Mystic Pizza at the cinema but it was a big deal around my hood back in the day. It was filmed in the touristy seaport town of Mystic, Connecticut, which is just over an hour’s drive from my homecity of Worcester, MA. Also—my dad lifted weights with a guy who had a two line bit in one of the bar scenes…so he was super tight with this flick, my dad was. Mystic Pizza documents the profoundly predictable relationship travails of a trio of blue collar-ish, under twenty something waitresses employed at the titular pizza shop. Seriously, if I showed you a poster for this movie and asked you to describe the plot without actually watching it, there’s an excellent chance you’d be 100% correct. I should probably just call it a day right here.
What happens is this: we open at the wedding of Jojo (indie stalwart Lili Taylor) and Bill (world’s largest man Vincent D’Onofrio). It’s a pretty trad wedding: church…priest…Here Comes the Bride bumping on the sound system. On Jojo's side of the aisle we meet the Arujo sisters, her pizza shop co-workers. There’s the wayward Daisy (I Love Trouble star Julia Roberts) and her younger sister, the bookish Kat (Annabeth Gish…of the Gish family). It all looks like a pretty swell do until the priest starts talking about how marriage is permanent (note: is it??). Jojo hears this and starts to rain flop sweat all over the altar before passing out. Wedding: off! The action moves over to Mystic Pizza, which is like Sal’s Famous Pizzeria from Do the Right Thing but with zero persons of color. Here, the plotlines are formally introduced. Jojo, if you recall from two sentences back, is in love with Bill but is marriage phobic. “I just keep seeing myself all fat 10 years from now,” she complains to her pals. Let me tell you, girl—I worked ONE summer at a Papa Gino’s and put on a 20 spot in the belly area. It ain’t marriage you need to worry about, it’s all that tasty ‘za! Daisy just wants to rip butts, pound Miller Lites, and smash, but little sis Kat is a budding astronomer who has already been accepted to Yale. I need to stop right here and mention something: y’all frequently hear me bagging on flicks for casting 30 year-olds as high school students. It’s a running joke here at VHS of the Week that isn’t particularly funny. For Mystic Pizza, however, the casted young. Julia Roberts and Lili Taylor were both 19 years old when shooting commenced, which is fine, and Annabeth Gish was 16, which is less fine! Is that even old enough to wait tables!? Jesus! Anyway, the three leads share a common desire to get the heck outta Mystic. I personally can’t imagine why. It’s hella nice there plus that got that dope aquarium. Their boss Leona is mad chill and doesn’t even give them any guff when they cuss at work, bang dudes in the bathroom, or simply fail to show up for a shift. Sign me up!
Since it is not possible to afford Yale’s tuition with 1980’s pizza tips, Kat needs to find herself a second job. She gets word that a Yale-educated architect is looking for an au pair while his wife is overseas doing rich white people things. His name is Tim and he looks almost exactly like Jeffrey Dahmer right down to the aviator glasses. I’m talking about the early 90’s cannibalistic serial killer Dahmer…not hunky 2020’s Netflix Dahmer. Tim is 30 and Kat is 16 playing 18 and this situation already stinks like the dumpster behind the pizza shop after a scalding July weekend.
After work, the ladies typically head to the Peg Leg Pub for a post shift beverage or ten. You know…like everyone who has ever worked in the service industry, this writer included. Bill, who makes his nut working on a fishing boat, is constantly chasing Jojo into the bar, begging her to put their aborted wedding back on her to-do list. His fisherman buddies all laugh and point at him, even though he’s like 6 '9, 250. Seriously, he’s taller than Jojo KNEELING DOWN. Daisy is ordering her 5th Michelob Light of the night when she notices some yuppie roll up in his red Porsche 911 and bust into the bar with his gang of James Spader cosplayers. He bellies up to the bar and orders “two white wines and two beers, one of ‘em light. And do you have a New England style IPA? Preferably something hazy with Motueka or Simcoe hops?” Ok, I made that last part up. Simpler times, man. Yuppie locks eyes with Daisy and decides to do what a man’s gotta do— ignore her and get mouthy with the townies. He ultimately prompts a musclebound fella to challenge him to the following challenge: he must throw three bullseyes on the dartboard…BUT…he’s gotta slam a shot of tequila before each throw. And the Townie behind this challenge?? None other than the guy who worked out with my father at the Auburn Racquetball Club 3 times in 1987! I hope his acting career took off (I suppose I could google it but I’m really not that interested). Yuppie nails the first two shots but muffs the third one. Because he’s shitfaced, right? He looks over to Daisy but she’s already split with her gals for a little post shift post shift. They sit by the water and crush more brewskis as there’s apparently no open container law in the state of Connecticut. Jojo complains that she really doesn’t want to marry Bill but that she’s still hot for his bod. “I get turned on just looking at his wrists,” she says (note: his WRISTS!??). Daisy says that she’s perfectly happy with “my tits and these beers.” I gotta say–Julia Roberts totally owns it in this flick. Her character is way edgier than, say, every other character she’d go on to play over the next 35 years. And you can tell that Pretty Woman bullshit to the tourists!
When Daisy wakes up at her momma house the next afternoon, yuppie from the bar is already there, chatting up her ma. He tells her that his name is Charles Gordon Windsor Jr because of course it is. Charles was played by some actor named Adam Storke…because I guess Andy McCarthy was too busy looping his Mannequin dialogue. She’s like “how’d you find out where I live, American Psycho??” He’s like “imma take you out in the 911.” Randomly showing up at a stranger’s house unannounced=the 1980’s version of sliding into someone’s DM’s. Daisy calls the police and has Charles arrested for aggravated stalking. Just kidding! She offers to cook him a seafood dinner…’cuz in this movie people are chow endless seafood (pizza too, natch). Like…she opens the fridge and it’s fuckin’ full of lobsters! Aren’t these people supposed to be poor?? She relents and Chucky Jr takes her out leaf peeping and to a fancy restaurant, where they eat each other’s FACES! Later he brings her to his folks’s auxiliary mansion and they ball. After their little sesh, Charles tells her that he’s actually an unemployed layabout who was expelled from Yale Law after cheating on a test…leading me to believe that this movie was bankrolled by Yale…in conjunction with the National Pizza Association (does that actually exist? I hope so!). Daisy is apathetic. I mean…the guy drives a Porsche soooo…
Meanwhile over in Kat’s corner of the movie: she and Tim start to flirt it up, even though he is a 30 year old married man and she is his 16 year-old babysitter. Tim drives her around in his Volvo and plays her Mozart and sends her home wearing his sweater when she gets chilly. When Daisy sees the sweater she’s all like “ohhh…now who’s a Ho!??” Daisy retreats to her room and produces a box of condoms. She tosses the rubbers to Kat and says “these go on the dick parts!” See…Kat doesn’t know this…because she’s a child! Jojo and Bill continue to screw on every surface in the 203 area code. She brings him to her family’s home in the dead of night she tries to fellate him in the kitchen but he declines. Says he REALLY wants to get married and that the sex will feel better that way (note: will it??). Duddn’t really matter though ‘cuz Jojo’s dad wakes up and chases Bill out of the house all half cocked. The next day Bill changes the name of his boat from “Jojo” to “nympho.” Is that supposed to be a dig, dude? What—you don’t like gettin’ laid?? Over at the pizza shop the girls become obsessed with this fusty TV food critic called the Phantom Snacker or some shit. They reason that if he reviews the Mys Pizz favorably on his show it’ll help boost biz during the non-tourist seasons. This was way before Yelp and whatnot so you had to rely on actual official-type critics. “We should serve designer pizza,” Jojo brays to Leona. Is that like designer drugs? “You know—pizza with clams! And guanciale and acorn fed Iberico ham” (Note: the last two items are the author’s). Leona says she’s happy with her OG pizza. That her tomato sauce recipe is from her mother’s mother’s mother from the old (unspecified) country and she ain’t sharing with no one! Here I should mention that my buddy Brett and I went to Mystic Pizza in 1993…and it was thoroughly unmemorable. After we ate our slices, we went to the record store across the street, where I purchased a CD of the U2 album Rattle and Hum…which was even less memorable than the pizza. Brett picked out a copy of Radiohead’s Pablo Honey…which was brand new at the time. When he brought it to the counter, the mystic running the joint held it up and said “this! This is the future of rock, man!” Holy crap I bet that guy is still obnoxiously bragging about that prediction 30 years later.
Right…anyway…so Daisy keeps hanging out with Charles but remains wary of him. “You just get off on bangin’ townies or somethin’”she asks. One night Charles cancels dinner plans to tend to a sick aunt or whatever so Daisy and the girls get hammered and steal Bill’s pickup truck and DUI it out to the country club to start trouble. But oh snap! Charles is inside the club with a proper blonde scarfing escargot! When Daisy sees this she goes apeshit. She pulls the pickup alongside the Porsche and dumps barrel after barrel of fish chunder into the front seat. Turns that little sports car into a cioppino on wheels! (Did I mention this car is a convertible? Well…it is. Gotta put yer top up, bro!). Charles runs out of the club like “duuuude…this is my fucking SISTER, you animal!” Daisy is wicked apologetic..and the guy? He ain’t even mad! Man, his car is totaled! I’d be like you owe me $40k plus $36.57 plus tip for an Uber home!
Bill finally dumps the terminally commitment phobic Jojo. Tells her she only loves his dick. Dude, and your wrists too! Kat spends an overlong day with Tim and his daughter, playing with telescopes and drinking vino. It’s during this scene that I notice that the purple button up shirt Annabeth Gish is wearing looks JUST like a shirt that my girlfriend bought at a thrift store a few years ago! I had to keep pausing the movie to try to get a good picture of the shirt with my cell phone…which sucks since I lost the remote to my VCR before I even started this blog. When I woke her up the next morning and showed her the picture she confirmed that yes—it was indeed the same purple shirt! Got a vintage Gap tag and everything! Now ain’t THAT some shit!? I also see that I wrote “Smashing Pumpkins” in my notes, probably to remind myself to listen to their first album…which is also called Gish (no relation). Not bad!
Kat and Tim are vibing so hard she decides to stay at his place till way late. She doesn’t even bother showing up for her shift, causing Daisy to miss her date with Chuck Jr. No call/no show, y’all. Daisy is appropriately apoplectic. She knows what’s up. “Boffing the babysitter…what a cliche!,” she spits. You know what term you never hear any more? Boffing. She slaps Kat across the face and says “wipe your conscience!” If they put an image of Julia Roberts from Mystic Pizza with the words “wipe your conscience” on a t-shirt I would totally wear it. Not only does Kat NOT wipe her conscience, she meets Tim in the attic of some manse he’s architecture-ing and they boff. I mean…you don’t actually see anything…because again…the girl is 16!!! Sorry to be a buzz killington by repeatedly mentioning that fact but, like, what the fuck?? They couldn’t have cast Daphne Zuniga or someone of legal sexing age?? Gah! Afterwards, they return to Tim’s house stanking of felonious intercourse and find that Tim’s wife has returned from her trip early. They look guilty as balls! Tim hustles Kat out of there and she’s, like, fucking beyond upset. Nearly catatonic. She just sits home all day wailing and staring at her Einstein poster. She’s so useless that when she returns to work she serves a table an uncooked pizza! She serves an old man a glass of water with a set of false teeth in it and OH SHIT it’s The Fireside Gourmet!! You know…from the television!? Not a promising start to that dining experience! The guy orders the house pizza and refuses the upsell on the cobb salad. He takes one bite and screws. Lenora says she wants to ram goat cheese up his arsehole. Mmmm…goat cheese.
Charles finally invites Daisy to dinner at his parent’s spread. They’re so filthy fucking rich they have a fleet of in-house servers. And holy shit—Charles’ little brother is Matt Damon! Actual Matt Damon! He’s all “you want to remake Ocean 11 together in about 20 years, Julia Roberts??” They nosh on lobsters (doesn’t anyone in this film have a shellfish allergy??!) and swirl their montrachet. Everything’s peachy keen until Mrs Charles says wishes she hadn’t hired dirty Portuguese girls as servants. This is a huge problem because I guess Daisy is super duper Portuguese. And we’re just learning this now?? Kind of late in the movie to be introducing racism-against-the-Portuguese as a plot point, no? (Note: it’s possible they may have mentioned that the Arujo sisters were Portuguese earlier and I simply wasn’t paying attention. I guess that last name does sound a little Portuguese now that I think of it). Daisy is mildly offended but Charles is offended enough for both of them. He has a 4-alarm meltdown and yanks the tablecloth off the table. If he was trying to do that famous tablecloth trick, he fails miserably. People’s faces end up covered in lobster and drawn butter. Bit of an overreaction if you ask me. You know who else thinks so? Daisy! When they get outside she’s all “kid, you’re just dating a poor-ish Portuguese broad to piss off your bougie family, aren’t you? I’m Audi 5000.” These ladies are really rolling snake eyes in the relationship department, man. Sheeeeit.
Tim shows up at MP and sheepishly hands Kat a check for her 3 months of babysitting. He’s all like “erm…so…have fun at Yale BYE!!!” She’s all like “have fun doing a bid at Walpole for statutory, ya prick!” Actually, she just walks into the kitchen and rips the check in half. All that babysitting dough down the shitter! Jojo scrambles to find some scotch tape to put the check back together but she’s distracted by a commotion in the dining room. It’s the Corpulent Critic and he’s on TV positively raving about Mystic Pizza (the restaurant…not the movie we’re talking about). Says he blew his load after one bite of pizza and had to run home to change his drawers. Four outta four stars! The phone instantly starts ringing off the hook! Shit…there’s like 3 minutes of movie left! What the fuck else is gonna happen?? Flash forward to Jojo and Bill’s wedding redux. No one faints this time so those two kids can go pork away with the lord’s blessing. At the wedding reception, Leona hands Kat a phat envelope and tells her it’s the money for Yale. I wonder how many pies you have to sell to be able to afford 4 years of Yale. I’m gonna say a lot. Charles shows up and asks Daisy if there’s still a chance for the two of them. She’s like whatever…go scoop ice cream in the kitchen while I slug hooch with my gurls. The three leads gather on a back porch that overlooks the seaport. They raise glasses of champagne to toast to the successful conclusion to their story arcs. “I wonder what the secret ingredient to Lenora’s sauce is though? Jojo says. “What IS in the sauce?” the others say. The camera slowly pans up into the night sky and the credits roll. But…but…what IS in the sauce!?? It’s people, isn’t it? It’s totally people. The end.