The Money Pit
Alright y’all—here’s one that I’ve received a lot of requests for over the years. It’s called The Money Pit and it isn’t exactly prime material for the VHS of the Week treatment because, unlike most of the films profiled here, it is only half terrible. It’s also light on plot and heavy on the sort of sight gags that don’t really warrant re-examination. Basically, Tom Hanks and Shelley Long spend 90 minutes stuck inside of the world’s shittiest Ok Go video and it’s hella funny. The end. Since I never shy away from a challenge (note: this is false) I’m gonna go ahead and see if I can’t squeeze some goof juice out of this medium beloved 80’s comedy anyway. Let’s see how I do!
What happens is this: we open in Rio de Janeiro, where we meet a crooked lawyer who has fled the US after embezzling millions from his clients. He’s gone to Rio to get married and, right off the bat, I’m wondering if they really went all the way to South America to shoot a couple of inserts for this generally insignificant comedy. Then I look at the credits and see some NAMES, yo! The Money Pit was directed by man who promised to sign my VHS copy of My Stepmother is an Alien but has yet to do so Richard Benjamin and produced by the lady who now owns all of Star Wars, Kathleen Kennedy. Oh, and it was executive produced by Steven Spielberg, you know, of the Spielberg family. Flying an entire crew to Rio to shoot one minute’s worth of scenes is a total Spielbergian flex. The dirty lawyer sends a postcard to his son Walter back in NYC apologizing for passing along a poor genetic makeup or whatever. Cut to: an opening credits sequence featuring a montage consisting of shots of NYC. I’m not sure how many 80’s movies open with shots of Manhattan but i want to say it is all of them. The cinematographer on this flick must’ve been a real amateur! What’s that? It’s Gordon Willis? Of Annie Hall and The Godfather fame?? Well shit! You know what they should do? Edit all of these opening credits sequences together into one long montage and show it at an arthouse theater. And when the montage ends you have to sit through one of the movies…but you have no idea which one! A cinematic Russian roulette of sorts. Come on, baby—don’t let it be Other People’s Money....please!!
Once the credits conclude, we’re introduced to the principals. There’s entertainment lawyer Walter (Tom Hanks) and his violinist girlfriend Anna (disappeared Cheers star Shelley Long). This might be difficult to believe for all of y’all out there who aren’t old as shit like me...but at the time this movie was released, Long was FAR MORE FAMOUS than Tom Hanks. He was just the young chump from Bachelor Party...prolly figuring this was his one and only opportunity to work for Spielberg. Look, you know I’m a massive Hello Again stan...but I think it’s safe to say that Hanks left old Diane Chambers in the dust. Right, so these kids are living in a baller ass apartment and Hanks is talking marriage and everything is hunky dory for about a minute....maybe minute and a half. That’s when we find out that the apartment actually belongs to Anna’s symphony conductor ex husband, Maestro Max (Die Hard terrorist who dies the hardest, Alexander Godunov). And he’s back from wherever it is that maestro’s go when they aren’t maestro-ing and wants his pad back. Even though Anna is second chair at the New York Symphony and Walter lawyers for rock bands, they somehow can’t pool together enough change to afford a 5th floor walk up in pre-gentrification Williamsburg. Walter doesn’t just represent any old hair metal band—he represents White Lion!! Real nerd talk—the Lion is massively underrated and Vito Bratta is the best 80’s guitarist whose initials aren’t EVH. ANYWAY, Walter knows an unscrupulous real estate agent named Jack (played by man who I always confuse with Wayne Knight, Josh Mostel). Jack offers Walter first dibs on a massive colonial out in Nyack or someplace. He also suffers a massive heart attack but it’s cool. He’s fine. Jack says the house is worth a cool mil but they can somehow buy it for 200 large. They’re curious ‘cuz why wouldn’t they be so they take the MTA out there to suss things out. Sure enough, the place is a SPREAD! It’s a Gatsby mansion on like 30 acres. Shit man–the landscaping bills alone would probably be about 10 times the monthly rent on a Lower East Side basement studio! Inside, Anna and Walter find flickering candles and classical music and expensive flatware. They’re also introduced to the house’s boozy outgoing owner Estelle (Passed Away star who has since passed away Maureen Stapelton). Estellle is being forced to sell the house on the quick after it was revealed that her husband was Hitler’s poolboy. Wait, Hitler had a pool?? Is that supposed to be a joke? Estelle really turns on the charm and has Walter and Anna bewitched before the crudite hits the dining room table. Fuck landsacping…how are they gonna FURNISH a manse like that?? So many questions.
After Walter borrows the downpayment money from one of his chain smoking, groupie balling pre-teen rock star clients, they quickly start settling in to their new digs. And on the FIRST FUCKING DAY the entire house just falls apart. Completely. In a span of about three minutes the front door falls off, feces of origins unknown bubble up in the clawfoot bathtub, a racoon rides up the dumbwaiter and tries to murder Shelley Long (not an Outrageous Fortune fan, I take it), and the grand staircase completely disintigrates with Walter on it, causing him to suffer a 30 foot fall onto the marble floor below (don’t worry…he’s fine). When they finally attempt to settle in for a good night’s sleep, it starts to rain. INSIDE THEIR BEDROOM! Holy guacamole, right?? As soon as dawn breaks, Walter hits the phones to send out some SOS’s. The first carpenter to show up (swarthy character actor Joe Mantenga) walks in unannounced and tries to sexually assault Anna. Yup! That happens! Walter is like “hands off my lady!” but the carpenter is like “there’s a real dearth of carpenters in the area so either hire me or enjoy bathing in the Port Authority sink for the next five years.” Walter’s like “sorry hun…this guy has good Yelp reviews so we’re going to hire him anyway.” Garrroosss!!! Mantenga hops in his Trans-Am and speeds away, never to be seen again. That’s his entire role in this movie. He must be so proud! After he leaves, things continue to go shithouse (heh) for our beleaguered couple. The kitchen suffers a massive electrical fire, causing the stove to explode. Walter takes a walk out in the backyard to clear his head and discovers that the trees on their property can be uprooted with a simple shove. That’s right…they have weak trees! Later, Walter and Anna expend a great deal of effort hauling buckets of hot water up a ladder so that they might finally take a relaxing bath and wash away the filth of the day. But when they fill the tub with water the fuckin’ floor collapses, sending the tub to its untimely death. Walter cackles so hard that he nearly vomits. Hanks just absolutely kills it here, man. He should’ve gotten an Oscar for this one too….or at least one of those bullshit Golden Globe thingies.
The next morning, Walter emphatically refuses to “sink any more money into this money pit!,” which is also the name of the movie that we’re talking about. He’s interrupted by the arrival of a motorcycle gang full of carnies, shriners, leather daddies, and Warriors extras. This is the crew that’s gonna put the joint back together and it’s led by Working Girl star Phil Bosco, who assures him the work will be finished in two weeks. (“How long you staying on Mars? Twwwooo Weeeekssss”--Total Recall). Instead, they literally destroy the house. Tear it down to the studs! It looks like they were testing missiles there! (note: this missile joke will be repeated at least 10 times before the end of the movie). After they’ve got the place good and uninhabitable, they peace out ‘cuz Walter never bothered to get the proper permits for the demo work. While all of this is going down, Anna is in NYC begging Max to buy out her share of a $150k painting they owned when they were married. You know, my girlfriend and I bought a $20 velvet painting of some cats at a thrift store in Maine years ago. If we ever split up one of us is probably gonna have to pay the other ten big ones. Things to think about!! Anyway, Max sexually harasses the shit out of Anna but eventually rents, sending her home $75k in the green. When she arrives home she discovers the following: at some point in the evening, Walter had stepped on an oriental rug that had been used to cover up a hole in the upstairs floor. Walter sank up to his elbows, trapping him in the hole. “I’ve been here so long I’m hallucinating!” he screams. “I thought the Care Bears were here!” I don’t know why….but I still think this is one of the funniest scenes from a movie ever. Tommy Hanks stuck in the fucking floor!!! That’s just aces! Then Anna pulls at the rug, sending Walter plunging to the marble floor below…again. (don’t worry…he’s fine. Again).
We flash forward four months and the house still ain’t anywhere near done being’ fixed. To make matters worse, there’s now like 50 construction workers up in their shit at all times. They can’t even get through a morning ball sesh without the landlord from Coming to America peeping through their bedroom window. So many cats in there. Like…is that Lyle Alzedo?? And Yakov Smirnoff is supposed to be in this movie too but I didn’t recognize him as I always seem to confuse him with Father Guido Sarducci. Same sort of schtick, right? No? Walter tries to make himself a cup of coffee and ends up in a Rube Goldberg nightmare that…you know what?...I don’t feel like describing it. Just watch the movie! When Walter travels to Philly for business, Anna commutes into the city to play her symphony gig…and her ex husband just continues to hit on her relentlessly. He invites her back to his apartment for duck l’orange and a “huge amount of alcohol.” Here I’d like to point out that the actor who plays Max drank himself to death a few years after this movie came out…so It’s probably best to decline any and all invitations where alcohol is involved! Unfortunately, Anna accepts Max’s invitation and wakes up in his bed sans proper dining attire. She’s all “what happened!?” and Max tells her that they balled so hard that THE POLICE came! (as in the band??). So that’s problematic…obvi. He also tells her that she got so drunk that she sang the entire Beatles catalog. Like…even Revolution #9!?? When they reconvene at the money pit, Walter knows she ain’t slept at home ‘cuz he says he done called her “100 times.” Do you have any idea what 100 long distance calls cost in 1986?? Tens of dollars! Walter grills Anna about her whereabouts but she’s all “I….would…never: you just need to trust me!” and Walter is all “cool.” So they bunk down for the night but Anna has a severe case of the guilty conscience and confesses her indiscretion. Walter says it’s no biggie and they shut off the light and go to sleep. Aaaaannnd 10 seconds later Walter wakes up screaming “WHORE!!!” and shit goes sideways fast. The next morning, they’re still screaming at each other in front of all of the construction workers. Anna says that it’s Walter’s fault that she cheated on him ‘cuz he made her move into this cursed hovel…which is super rude! They try throwing each other out but neither side will budge. They float the idea of simply splitting up the house and living in separate wings. Man, haven’t y’all seen War of the Roses!? I mean…probably not…as it came out 3 years after this movie…but things do NOT end well for the Roses. At all. They ultimately decide to stick it out until construction is completed and buy each other out. Cool? Cool.
After Walter and Anna conclude their blowout, Max shows up at the spot and tells Anna that they didn’t really fuck after all. He was just FOOLIN’!!! Dude, I’m pretty sure that’s still sexual assault of some sort. Nowadays you’d get your ass canceled for that shit REAL quick! Instead of relaying this not unimportant information to Walter, Anna decides to simply retreat to her room and cry. Months and months tick by and Walter and Anna remain estranged. One day…many years from now/then…when the construction is finally complete, the unhappy ex-couple meet up for a final walk through. For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, they suddenly have googly eyes for each other. Walter says that he no longer cares that she cheated on him. She says “cool ‘cuz I was actually tricked into thinking I had committed infidelity by my cirrhotic ex-husband.” Phillip Bosco appears like the wise old sage/construction foreman that he is and says “if the foundation is ok then everything else can be fixed.” So Walter and Anna were actually the house this entire time!? And the house was them!? So who was the Indian burial ground underneath the house then?? I feel like whomever wrote this movie kind of lost interest at the end a bit here…but…I’ll take it. Anna and Walter get married in front of the house and live happily ever after. OH WAIT! Before we can gather our belongings and head for the exits, the action moves back to Rio, where Walter’s dad is seen purchasing a house from Estelle and her Nazi poolboy husband. That’s right–the same folks who sold Walter the money pit!! What are the chances?? (honestly…probably zero). Wait, does this mean there’s a long gestating sequel to The Money Pit chronicling the trevails of Walter Sr in the cards. Since all of these actors are now deceased I’m going to say that there is not. The end.