The Wizard

So check this out: It’s June of 1990 and it’s the last day of 6th grade...which also means it’s my last ever day as a catholic schoolboy...which means instead of being beaten by nuns I’ll now just start getting beaten by my fellow classmates! To celebrate the end of the school year my grandparents bring me to a pool party...but first we stop by Applause Video...where I have a copy of the newly released flick The Wizard on reserve. Applause was one of those joints that let you take the entire VHS jacket home with the tape. So I’m at this pool party but...like...every 30 minutes I towel off, walk out to the car, and spend a few minutes staring at my copy of The Wizard. I’m so excited to watch this movie I can’t even make it through the friggin’ pool party. I’m like a drug addict who knows he’s got a bag of drugs waiting for him. I’m like “hey kids...guess who’s holdin’...THE WIZARD!?” I mean...just look at the box! Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years in a movie about video games!? 12 year-old boy’s wet dream, folks. But then something strange happens. I watch The Wizard...and I hate it. And at 12 I pretty much declared every movie I watched the greatest film ever made (somewhere in a basement box there’s an A+ review I wrote for the movie K-9). I couldn’t really remember what my gripe was...so my old pal Mike Pizzimenti mailed me a copy of The Wizard so I could see how I would feel about it 28 years later and HO-LEE-SMOKES I should’ve just chilled the eff out and enjoyed that pool party! What happens is this: Somewhere in Utah a single dad played by Academy Award winner Jeff Bridges’ssssssss brother Beau is struggling to raise his troubled sons on his own. His youngest son Jimmy has unexplained mental problems. His entire vocabulary consists of the word “California” and he runs away from home with his mysterious lunchbox on the daily. Papa Beau Bridges is too busy trying to prevent his oldest son Christian Slater from getting into Christian Slater-type trouble to deal with Jimmy so he pawns him off on his ex-wife and her A-hole new husband...who are all “we ain’t got time for a kid who ain’t playing with a full deck!” They decide to send Jimmy to an institution. What kid of institution you ask? I’m not really sure....it’s just a white building with a sign that says “institution” out front. Meanwhile middle brother Corey (every boss ass kid in the 80’s was named Corey, amirite?) played by TV megastar Freddie Savage, is none too pleased with his lil’ brah being shipped off to the nut house...so he decides to break Jimmy outta that joint...in broad daylight. He just waltzes in carrying a skateboard and grabs Jimmy and they jump into a Hostesses Cupcake truck parked out back and screw. This has gotta be the worst non-specific institution ever: no security AND they serve patients Hostess products? Shit. So now these kids are on the run and Fred Savage is all “what you wanna do, Jimmy?” and Jimmy says “California”...mostly because it is the only word he knows...but Fred Savage is like “word...we are ages 12 and 8...but let’s go check out Cali. I hear they got sushi there.” Back at the institution Beau Bridges and his ex wife are BULLSHIT that the kids got away, natch. But it’s cool...we are now introduced to the most questionable character in cinematic history: Mr Putnam, The Runaway Retriever! So this creepy David Cross in a bolo tie looking motherfucker is supposed to hunt the kids down for a reward (who is paying said reward isn’t really clear). He promises to bring back the “crippled boy” and warns Beau Bridges....the kid’s biological father...not to interfere...because HUH?? Back out of the road Fred Savage and Jimmy are movin’ right along...weaving through highways on a skateboard....sleeping in the wild by campfire at night. You are probably saying to yourself....what in the friggin’ hell does any of this have to do with video games!? That’s what I’m sayin’! It’s just starting to feel like that Jason Takes Manhattan movie where Jason is only in Manhattan for the last 5 minutes. BUT WAIT! The kids roll into a bus station/general store/arcade and try to buy a ticket to California and find themselves a couple hundo short. While Fred Savage is kicking around wondering what the frig to do next little Jimmy starts playing Double Dragon and just CRUSHES that shit. This immediately catches the attention of fellow 12 year old runaway grifter and former Rilo Kiley front woman Jenny Lewis. Apparently no one knew Jimmy could crush mad video games but Jenny Lewis suggests they can scam their way to CA by hustling people for dough at arcades and whatnot. Fred Savage is all “dude, I had no idea the kid had Rain Man disease! He’s a WIZARD!” So he’s autistic then? Got it. Jenny Lewis also points out that there’s (conveniently) a video game competition in CA with a top prize of $50k. They figure if he can win the competition he won’t have to live in an institution anymore. I mean...maybe that’s how the mental health system worked in the 80’s....but...I don’t know, dudes. So they keep on keepin’ on and Jimmy wins some scatch left and right...until they come across some asshole named Lucas who has the power glove. Jimmy is like “I ain’t fuckin’ with no power glove, y’all.” Meanwhile out on the road Beau Bridges keeps getting into goofy ass car chases with Evil David Cross...who again...does not want Beau Bridges to rescue his own son. There’s also a travel montage where Jimmy, Fred Savage, and Jenny Lewis ride in the back of a pick-up set to Real Life’s “Send Me an Angel”. You know what song rules? “Send Me an Angel”. I’m listening and thinking “why does this sound different??” Cuz it’s the ‘89 rerecording, y’all! It’s like the Danzig “Mother” of the 1980’s. One night while the runaway trio is bunking down little Jimmy’s lunchbox falls open and a bunch of family photos come spilling out. Jenny Lewis is all “what the do with these pix?” Fred Savage matter-of-factly explains that they used to have a little sister but she drowned in front of Jimmy...who couldn’t save her cuz the little dude can’t swim. I mean...what the WHAT!?? So Jimmy doesn’t have Rain Man’s disease after all?? He’s just a sad ass kid with severe PTSD who just happens to be good at video games?? Man...that doesn’t even make crazy sense! I hate this movie. So now the kids end up in Reno...where Jenny Lewis hooks up with her adult trucker buddy named Spanky...who wins the kids a ton of money shooting craps. We also learn that Jenny Lewis lives in a trailer and her invisible parents are deadbeat gamblers. Unrelated to anything we are talking about: you know what song rules? Rilo Kiley’s “Does He Love You?” Anyway...Jenny Lewis and Fred Savage smooch...even though..I mean...his brother is the one who crushes video games. Fred Savage is both the star of the movie and a completely inessential character. Evil David Cross locates the kids at their hotel (where 13 year olds can rent rooms no sweat) and he tries to kidnap Jimmy but Jenny Lewis screams “he grabbed my breast” and Evil David Cross is all “she doesn’t have breasts!’ and then a bunch of truckers beat the shit out of him....and I barf all over myself ‘cuz GAH! Eventually the entire cast of this interminable film ends up at this video game contest in LA and, wouldn’t you friggin’ know it, Jimmy makes it to the final round where he has to battle it out with power glove Lukas. The big twist is that they have to play Super Mario 3...which isn’t even available to the public yet, y’all! So now we are supposed to believe that people would fill a stadium to watch kids play Nintendo on these tiny ass TV’s. I mean...Super Mario took HOURS to play. Even if you remembered exactly how the game went there’s no way to gauge how the players are doing. It’s the most suspense-less climactic competition in film history. Right, so Jimmy wins...because of course he does...and everyone is psyched...except for Jimmy...who still has no emotional reaction to anything whatsoever. The family packs up to head home...but on the way back to Utah they pass those sweet ass dinosaurs from the Pee Wee Herman movie and Jimmy starts to tweak out and jumps out of the car. He runs inside and cracks open his lunchbox again and shows them the real reason why he wanted to go to California: It’s the last place his entire family was together and happy before his little sister drowned. But he’s like...that’s cool that you guys all came together to exploit my mental health problems to win some bullshit video game contest. Actually he doesn’t say this at all. He’s still wicked sad and doesn’t talk and that’s pretty much that. Much is left unanswered. Who got to keep the $50 large?? Do Jenny Lewis’ parents really not care that she moving in with Fred Savage at age 13? Was Paul from the Wonder Years really Marilyn Manson? I guess we’ll never know…

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