WarGames
Greetings friends! I’m writing to you from the year 2022...where life is quickly beginning to resemble the plot of one of those 80’s action flicks I/we grew up on (minus the rad soundtrack). The United States appears to be on the brink of a hot war with Russia and talk of World War III is on the wind. The same wind that continues to carry disease droplets around the globe, eternally preventing me from watching a film in proper cinema. I just refuse to watch Dune on the telly at home, alright? I refuse! Like most 80’s kids, I was raised to be terrified of the Soviet Union (and....I guess Libya as well thanks to Back to the Future). In fact, at one point in 1986 my mom actually suggested that we purchase ushanka hats for “when Gorbachev comes.” Like...was Gorbachev actually going to show up at our three-decker in Worcester?? How was that gonna go down, exactly?? Was he gonna come smash my Hot Wheels? Subsisting on a steady diet of films with anti-Soviet plot lines like Red Dawn, Red Heat, and Red Sonja did little to quell my mostly unfounded fears of a Soviet takeover (note: I haven’t actually seen Red Sonja and have no idea what it’s about. Sounds Russian-ish!). After the USSR dissolved in 1991, fictional movie villains started to trend Middle Eastern....because Hollywood is racist like that. But now, with a saber rattling Vladimir Putin on the verge of invading Ukraine, the vodka swilling, fuzzy hat wearing villain is bound to make a re-emergence in future films. I mean....if there is a future! With our friends to the east on the brain, I thought I’d take another look at the 1983 doomsday classic WarGames to see how that flick holds up. Answer: quite well!
What happens is this: we open at an underground NORAD silo in a part of Colorado that’s totally Southern California. Here, we meet the two men tasked with protecting every living United States resident: deceased West Wing actor John Spencer and Reservoir Dogs’ Michael Madsen. That’s right, folks–the fate of humankind rests in the trembling hands of Leo McGarry and Mr Blonde, stuck in a drab windowless basement with sickly fluorescent lighting. I guess this is an actual thing known as the “two-man rule.” Why not two women, huh?? Sexist. Suddenly, the “oh shit” alarm starts blaring. The Russkies are on the move and the US needs to fire up the warheads! Mr Blonde pulls out his “how to” manual and starts entering the launch code: “Alpha…Delta…Omicron…” Leo McGarry starts sweating like a priest in church. He’s all “umm…maybe we should give Ronny Reagan a jingle. I’d like to speak to the manager before we annihilate 20 million people.” But the other dude ain’t hearing it. The missiles are HOT! They just need to turn their respective keys and then WHAMMO…but Leo McGarry refuses. So Mr Blonde pulls a razor out of his boot and slices the dude’s ear off! Not really–but he does pull out a pistol and tell him to turn his key or…you know…or else. And then…AND THEN!! Roll opening credits. So did we get nuked to death or not?? Looks like NORAD is still intact so I’m going to say we did not. We get a tour of a pretty stylish looking war room lifted right outta Dr Strangelove. The credits are in an 80's computer font, though, and I can barely read ‘em. Does that say that the cinematographer's name was Wally Knuckles?? But hey–I did notice that this flick was directed by Saturday Night Fever helmer John Badham, which makes perfect sense. WarGames is just like Saturday Night Fever but with 100% less dancing. It turns out the whole nuclear attack thing was just a test…and those two dingdongs failed. Miserably. They are shown glumly boxing up the contents of their desks. Already time to call it a movie for Leo and Blondie. We meet the head of NORAD, Dr McKitrrick (Hot to Trot star and man who is somehow still living Dabney Coleman). The doc wants to fully automate the missile system. Give the responsibility for launching nukes to a computer, thus eliminating the margin of human error. He’s got a shitload of computers that look like washing machines that all feed into something called the WOPR (pronounced “whopper”...like the BK sandy). McKittrick explains that the WOPR is programmed to play video games 24/7…not unlike my college roommate Josh. Lazy motherfucker. I think these games are more WWIII scenarios…and less Goldeneye tho. McKittrick has to sell this plan to Jack Beringer, a heavily-decorated, jingoistic military general straight out of central casting. Remember when Donald Trump would only hire military personnel if they looked like they could play a military-type character in, say, Top Gun? Leading me to believe that Trump’s entire military knowledge base came from watching Delta Force. McKittrick says that the Russians could wipe us out in 6 minutes and that the computers would have quicker reflexes than human persons. In 1983!? Shit man–it took me a good 10 minutes to open Netscape on my laptop that I bought in 2004! The General is also a skeptic. He’s all like “haven’t y’all heard of ransomware and Julien Asssange and whatnot.” They have not. WOPR gets the gig.
Cut to: a video arcade in Seattle, where we meet 21 year-old high school David Lightman (Ferris Bueller star and two time vehicular manslaughterer Matthew Broderick). David is hella smart with computers but prefers to ditch class to crush mad games of Galaga because who wouldn’t?? I’d like to give a quick shout out to the song playing in this scene–it’s called “Video Fever '' by a band called The Beepers, who did a lot of soundtrack work but who appear to have released just two actual songs. This one SLAPS, folks. Check it out on the YouTube if you don’t know it already. When David runs out of quarters, he decides to put in an appearance at school, where the teacher immediately holds up his latest test score for all to see: it’s a F. Man, grade shaming should be illegal…if it isn’t already. That sounds like a very 2022 cause. Jennifer (a pre Breakfast Club make-under Ally Sheedy), the student seated in front of him, ain’t paying attention either so the teacher grade shames her too. They’re F buddies! Then the teach is like “can anyone tell me who came up with asexual reproduction?” and David is like “Yo…your WIFE!” Touche! Off to the principal’s office he goes…which is a lucky break as he’s able to abscond with the password to the school’s mainframe computer. And get this–it’s PENCIL!! That’s some silly shit right there. They couldn’t have come up with something trickier…like MangnumPIisfoxy69? After school, Jennifer offers David a ride home to his massive white people mansion and he’s like “wanna come up and see the thousands of dollars of high tech shit in my room that I didn’t have to work for?” She does. He fires up the modem and logs into the high school’s online gradebook and changes both of their grades to C’s. Jennifer gets super sketched out is all see you never. That’s some seriously shady shit, man. Also–even though my high school math teacher was a huge alcoholic, he absolutely would’ve noticed if I somehow got a C in his class. I don’t think I ever did better than a D- in all two years of Algebra I! After she leaves, David changes the grade back to a C anyway ‘cuz he’s a twisted prick.
The next day, though, she shows up at the arcade and says that she doesn’t want to flunk out of high school after all. He’s like “that’s cool…I ignored your express wishes not to alter your grade and did it anyway.” She swoons. He invites her back to his pad again to show her some other illegal stuff that he somehow knows how to do with his Tandy 6000. He has his modem just dialing random phone numbers in an attempt to find some trouble to get into. The computer lands on the Pan Am reservation hotline and David books the two of them some tix to Paris. PARIS!!! He asks her if they should rent a car for their little Franco adventure. Girl, DO NOT let this man drive! DO NOT! The computer dials another number and…wouldn’t you know…it’s the friggin’ WOPR!!! You mean they put a computer in charge of the country’s nuclear arsenal and just gave it a regular ass phone number!? Was it 867-5309? I bet it was. David pulls up a menu of the computer’s games: there’s some familiar faces like chess and blackjack and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? But also some lesser known hits like Start Thermonuclear War and Biotoxic Warfare and Havana Sonic Attack. There’s also something called Falken’s Maze, so David heads to the library and pulls the microfiche on everyone ever named Falken. Turns out there was a military A.I. researcher named Stephen Falken who trained computers how to think for themselves. Not unlike the buddy robot from Short Circuit, a film that was ALSO directed by John Badham. Crazy, right?? Dude must’ve had a kink for sentient machines. Unfortunately this Falken cat is dead…as is his wife and baby son. David tells Jennifer that Falken died when he was 41. Her response: “I guess that IS old.” Fuuuuuck. David still needs Falken’s password to log into the WOPR but he easily guesses that it’s the name of Falken’s dead son (Joshua) becuase people in this movie are fucking terrible at coming up with good passwords!
David calls Jennifer back over to his spot (note: he is bare chested in these scenes for reasons that remain unclear) and they plug in the password and the computer comes to life and starts talking gibberish at them. What, did they have a pair of Bose speakers hooked up to that thing!? The computer asks them what game they’d like to play and they choose solitaire. Just kidding! They choose Start Global Thermonuclear War…because of course they do. Much like current Fox TV host Tucker Carlson, they decide to take the side of the Russians. They ponder which part of the US to vaporize and land on Las Vegas. Not bad…not bad. Might as well take Florida while y’all are at it! Sorry…not sorry. So the game is on and the board in the NORAD war room goes HOT! They’re like “umm…looks like the Russians are fixing to blow up the Flamingo in about 10 seconds.” Doesn’t anyone think it’s a bit hinky that the US would get invaded two days after they installed this new automated system!? People start to freak out and prepare a counterattack. Back in Seattle, though, David’s pops starts hollering at him to come outside and clean out the garbage cans…’cuz he’s a kid, right, and kids have chores and shit. So David flips off his computer (the “sleep” function did not yet exist at this point in time) and runs outside and the nuclear war disappears from NORAD’s screens. It was all a sim! And they know it was someone up in WA playin’ around with the telephone because they’re the military and they know stuff. Later that night, when David sees stories about the simulated attack splashed all over the evening news, he gets that same terrible expression on his face that he had when Cameron kicked his dad’s Ferrari into the forest. David rushes to his computer terminal to try to cover his tracks only to see that the game is still playing itself…and that there’s an ominous countdown. Only 52 hours left until whatever’s gonna happen happens!
David is arrested by the FBI the very next morning and brought to NORAD where he is chained to a desk and beaten mercilessly. Well, we don’t actually see the last part…but you gotta figure they roughed him up some. Cops gonna cop. McKittrick sits around with the General and the principal from Back to the Future and the “I had no idea it would be so much…I won’t pay it!” guy from Ghostbusters to try to decipher what might be behind David’s faux attack. The brass think he’s a Russian double agent. “A teenager? What does that say about the state of our country,” says the General. Oh just you wait, dudes! McKittrick figures a little one on one with their 5,6” hoodie-wearing terrorist might help ferret out some details. Even though he suspects David of starting Armageddon, he decides to show him all around NORAD. I mean…look at this kid: he doesn’t look like he could blow up a balloon! David explains that the computer is alive like Johnny 5 and asks to speak to a lawyer. McKittrick gets all pissed off, locks David in a supply closet, and stations a guard in a Saddam Hussein costume outside. Luckily for David, this supply closet happens to have a computer and plenty of supplies to help aid in escaping from a supply closet. David finds Dr Falken’s address in Oregon (because he is somehow no longer dead??). While Saddam is busy sexually harassing the receptionsit stationed outside of the supply closet (note: huh??), David escapes from the room and crawls through the elevator shafts like a regular Johnny McClane. He hitches a ride off the property with a tour group and they give tours of NORAD!??? The military peeps don’t even give chase. They just sit around discussing the possibility of a Russian invasion with resignation. “Welp,” one of them says, “I hope you like vodka!” I do….I do indeed.
Jennifer wires David money for a plane ticket to Oregon. There, she joins him on a ferry to some bumfuck island where the supposedly dead Falken supposedly lives. Sure enough, the dude is alive and he’s played an actor called John Wood whom I do not know. You know who I DO know? The actor who was originally supposed to play Falken. His name was John Lennon. As in THE John Lennon. From The Beatles. Now wouldn’t that have been some shit!? Mark David Chapman really fucked up a lot of things, man. Anyway, this Falken guy is flying a remote control T-Rex around the island and seems like a pleasant chap. They explain that they accidentally hacked into his computer and that the computer is apparently about to start WWIII and no one knows how to stop it. Falken invites them inside, fires up his flatscreen, and starts rambling on and on about the damn dinosaurs. “Even if we go, nature will start again. There’s a time when you should just give up.” Jesus dude…you’ll have to excuse me while I go open a vein! So that’s it: tough tits. Falken kicks them out and doesn’t even offer them a lift back to the mainland. David and Jennifer walk along the shore, kicking at rocks and discussing their now-inevitable demise. “If I had lived I was going to have my own aerobics TV show,” Jennifer says. They smooch. I mean…I guess the world is ending sooo….
Meanwhile back at NORAD, heads are preparing for the end of civilization. The computer is still giving them gibberish information and they still think it’s real. It isn’t just highly expendable Las Vegas this time, though. It’s EVERYWHERE. They think the Russians have fighter jets and submarines headed to the party. “There’s 300 ICB’s incoming!” a voice calls out. Is that anything like 300 ICP’s? Those motherfuckers are crazy. McKittrick and the General want to launch a counterattack but OH SHIT!!! Here comes Falken and the kids!! He flew them off the island in his helicopter and they are now somehow standing in the nucleus of the country’s military operations. Wouldn’t they need to, like, show some credentials or whatever? Falken is like “grah hah hah this is all a silly game by my silly computer!” They completely ignore him and start warming up the Patriot Missiles. They raise the threat level from Defcon 5 to Defcon 2…which is confusing to me as I had always assumed the less Defcon’s the better. So 1 is bad and 5 is good?? If y’all say so! Someone asks why the enemy would attack without provocation…which is an AMAZING QUESTION!! I realize that the Cold War was still on but couldn’t they have at least slipped Gorbachev a message to feel him out (U mad bro?). Either way…it’s already too late. It’s the final countdown (dee nee nee NEE…dee nuh neet neet nee). The General opens a line with one of our military bases and gives them the whole “Men…god bless you. We’ll be thinking of you from our missile proof bunker” speech. When the countdown reaches zero the General is like “sooo…are y’all dead??” and they’re like “nope” and everyone breathes sighs of relief. But see..the WOPR is still whoppin’ and a whoopin’. It still wants to launch a counterattack against the attack that isn’t really coming. Can’t they just unplug this friggin’ thing?? Or try blowing on it!? The General turns to McKittrick and says “your new system SUCKS!” Someone calls someone else a “pig-eyed sack of shit.” I’m not sure who but I thought it was a good line and wrote it in my notes. Falken and David keep trying to log in and keep getting bounced to the “reset password” screen. Meanwhile the launch codes are falling into place, making folks very nervous. Finally, David instructs the computer to play tic-tac-toe…because it is a game that one cannot win (to be fair…I feel like I’ve lost at tic-tac-toe my life…but I SUCK at games). The computer plays tic-tac-toe until it literally explodes. It has somehow learned that tic-tac-toe, like nuclear war, is a game where the only outcome is the annihilation of humanity and thus unwinnable. I might be misunderstanding all of that…particularly the tic-tac-toe part. But yeah…the computer doesn’t want to play a game it can’t win. It suggests a game of chess. Everyone high fives and tussles Matthew Broderick’s hair even though he almost indirectly killed 300 million people. So basically war is bad, right? Maybe our current world leaders should all sit together for a screening of WarGames and then stand up, shake hands, and walk away as friends. And then probably all die of Covid from said handshake. The end.